OK, help me out here.  To understand, that is.  RB and I get back together, it's calm and peaceful and great - up until last night when I get a diatribe from him on how women get to decide when to have sex -- and the men do the majority of everything, i.e. provide most of the $, solve the problems, etc.; and he's done even more because he started planning for his future when he was 18; and if I wouldn't have been "stubborn" when I was 18 and just when to Calvin (College) anyway (even though my dad had abused me & controlled us [the family] and I was fucking sick of him & he wasn't giving me any other college choices so I basically told him what he could do with it), so back to what RB was saying - that if I had just gone to college anyway I would be much more successful in my life, implying that college would have so greatly improved me as a person that I would have not gotten charge-card happy, and done some other things in my life thereby being a much better person today than I am now.... Did you follow all that?  So that digression had something to do with me not wanting sex right then, and how he's been patient, and doing all this other stuff for me all along (sacrificing), so why can't I just do stuff for him (sex)?  I tried to explain (again!) how sex can't be lumped in to "everything else", but he doesn't buy it.  Says the principle's the same, implying that I'm selfish when I don't give him something he wants when he hints around.  And let me point out that we talk about sexual things a lot; so how am I supposed to discern when he's hinting he wants sex vs. just talking about sexual stuff?  And I've learned over the years, that when RB is going on and on like this, that if I respond, then I'm being "defensive"... So I don't respond and end up being passive-aggressive (slamming doors, saying things under my breath)... And this feels very not fair!  He doesn't see my point of view, and I don't see his point of view - and why did he have to wait this long to express dissatisfaction?! When he's behaving like everything's fine, I believe it!  I'm NOT a gamey person, so I believe what ppl present!  It bothers me that all this anger and disappointment was underneath his pleasant appearance... I know he loves me, and I love him, but I'm scared that all the old crap is surfacing again!

... wasn't that fun?! (the previous post)...  thx magickstar!

So, seriously... my head's kinda in a weird space, hard to describe... it's like I'm internally meditating on some deeper level... wonder what will come of this?  perhaps creative writing, or solving a problem, or planning for something... or maybe I'll feel like the essence of Calm/Peace....  hmmmm...

So I had a "talking-to" @ work re: the investigation thing... went much better than expected! they're going to put something in my personnel file, probly that I was held responsible, but I've learned from my mistake, and I know what to do/not do, say/not say in the future.  And I typed up a statement that they will attach to the formal thingy in my file.  Sooo... maybe this is some of what I'm processing on a deeper level.  It's very hard for me to trust, and I've been fucked over enough in the past, work-related and non-work-related, that I immediately go into "they're going to punish me" mode when a mistake is made.   So this is new for me.  And I want to trust it.  But are they really sincere?  Will they use this against me, say to not give me a raise this coming January, or in some other way?  Will it hurt any chances of promotion or moving to another position in the company?  It's good that I'm not worrying/obsessing about it like I did at first.  That's not healthy!  And I recognized that, and worked at turning it into something positive:  that OK, I fucked up, it's done, I won't do it again, and I have no control over what they're going to do to me.  It's taken me many years to be able to process stuff and get to an OK place in my head within a relatively short period of time (24 hours).  Stuff like this used to effect me weeks @ a time!  And then I'd slip into self-harming behaviors (dontcha love the psychobabble?!)  I consumed a lot of chocolate lately, so I guess some ppl would consider that self-harming, but among all the "bad" things I could've done to comfort myself & get immediate pleasure/gratification, I thought it was an excellent choice!  Yummm....

I'm loving the weather right now:  it's warm, misty, and slightly foggy... looks very ethereal... Love it when real life imitates fantasy-land!

WOW:  Love yourself, forgive yourself, enjoy yourself.

Love and Light...

Namaste', Enna

Something To Brighten Your Day!!

THIS IS SO TRUE HAHA~




You know you live in 2006 when...










1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.













2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.













3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/Myspace/Xanga.













4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.













6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.












7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.













8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.












9. You were too busy to notice number five.













10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.













11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.












12. Repost if you fell for it. You know you did

...time passes too quickly - trite, I know, but so true!  seems like I just posted & now it's 11 days later... I remember when I was little I wanted to be "19" so bad - it sounded very grown-up and adult... Hah! Now I'm 48 & wishing I could slow down time...

...things @ work in stasis... I've begun more actively looking for a different job, but after working 17+ years @ a place, it's rather difficult to find a job where you can start @ the same pay & benefits you've got now... So I'm musing on whether I can stand working here for 7+ more years (I'm going to retire when RB is 65 - he's 9 yrs older than me).  How much can a person take?  I've been through so much in my life that what I'm going through now doesn't even hit the "highwater mark" of my childhood abuse, yet it's so difficult to work in an environment where I feel I'm on a corporate choke-chain!  For 5 years I ran that dept. my way, & after 6 months it's still difficult for me to consult re: every decision... And there's the fact that the woman who's my part-time partner (CM) thinks she's so much better than me, and has gotten in my face, and has done an investigation on me(!)--with my supervisor's blessing, which I find difficult to understand since it can't possibly be an unbiased investigation due to the troubles CM & I have had... So back to my question:  how much can a person take?  I imagine for each person it's a different answer... But what I've decided so far is:  keep working there right now cuz I need the $ & benefits; keep looking for other opportunities; start spreading the word that I'm looking...

Time to hit the shower & get this day going!

WOW:  Remember that Life is a lot more than where/how you make your living...

May Love & Light surround you and bless you this day and always...

Namaste', Enna

I re-read something the other day for inspiration - it's one of those things you put in a drawer, or tape on the wall, or tack it on a bulletin board so it's always there to read but you invariably get so used to it along w/ all the other stuff, that you forget to read it...

I don't know the name of the author, & I've seen this titled differently.  Here's the one I have:

"10 Commandments for Positive Leadership"

1.  People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.   Love them anyway.

2.  If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Do good anyway.

3.  If you are succesful, you win false friends and true enemies.  Succeed anyway.

4.  The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway

5.  Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.  Be honest and frank anyway.

6.  The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest ideas.  Think big anyway.

7.  People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.  Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8.  What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.  Build anyway.

9.  People really need help but may attack you if you help them.  Help them anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.  Give the world the best you have anyway.

WOW:  To paraphrase RB "Just because you stub your toe does not mean you don't know how to walk."

Love and Light to All Who Pass This Way...

Namaste', Enna

...my work life has gotten ridiculously dramatic due to the FBs (see previous post).  Now I get to talk w/ my boss tomorrow & explain it all to her since she was on vacation last week.  RB gave me a pep talk & "talking points" - guys love to give advice!  It's helpful, but what I really needed was for him to wrap his arms around me & tell me it was going to be all right, & I'm still a good person, etc, etc.  In fact I told him that.... oh well, his heart's in the right place!

WOW:  Life isn't always fair, but it's better than the alternative.

Love & Light...

Namaste', Enna

...not ALL ppl, but I must be an anomaly or something, cuz most of the ppl I work w/ drive me crazy - the chief among them the woman I work with, who is so opposite me it's ridiculous! And there's another woman down the hall, the "FB" I call her (you can probly guess what that stands for!), cuz she would sell her mother if it would get her off the hook somehow... one of those ppl that its' never her fault, she's never accountable... And the FB2 (woman I work with) has now filed a complaint on me based on some stuff that FB told her.  It's a long involved story, but the gist of it is, is that I gave another employee some information in such a way that it came across as uncaring, and not only that, but came across as wrong.  So the two FB's are assuming stuff that isn't right, and I'm being forced to defend myself.  This really pisses me off!  Why do we even have to put up w/ FBs?!  I'm not a passive person, so I can't just "sit back" with stuff.  my job involves taking action, but when I do, invariably I piss someone off.  must go with the territory, but it pisses me off!! I HATE having to defend myself!! 

It's been a while!  Geez, I've been too busy... super-busy @ work, then we went back to the cottage on the 8th where I celebrated my bday (48 if you want to know!), then I've been super-busy @ work since we got back... so now I'm breathing a little easier again.

...have put myself on a "diet" cuz I feel like a fat pig! Growing "old" (state of mind, but unfortunately the body doesn't care) sucks, especially cuz the metabolism slows down.  I still want all my treats, but the scale & my clothes are telling me "uh-uh"... So I bought Dexatrim Max the other day, which does curb the appetite.  I'm so impatient though!  I wish the 20 lbs could melt off me overnight! they certainly went on easy enough, so it seems like they should just "zip" come off... Nope... have to deprive myself.  And there it is, I hate depriving myself of anything!  Need to do much self-talk w/ that one cuz it stems from way back when I was growing up...

Enough of that.  I miss living @ my house by the river... I wish I could convince RB that we need to build on that property!  So I'm trying my best to be patient, and I'm going back there whenever I can to pick up stuff, and I've come to a point of acceptance in knowing that I will be guided./directed to what is right for me... difficult stuff! 

Which is a good segue' into the fact that I've realized that the more I trust in God/dess to lead/guide/direct, and I quit trying to run the show myself, I do fine.  Food for thought there.

Enough for now, coffee & deck-time are calling!

WOW:  Trust.

Love, Light, and Joy to all who read this...

Namaste', Enna

Why am I up so early?!  I hate when this happens, but it's happened enough that I know I have to try to process it before I can catch any more sleep... I'm pretty sure it was a dream that woke me up... wish I could remember all the details... whatever was in it left me feeling uneasy & frustrated & anxious & fearful yet somehow in control, and w/ the sense that the dream was very intense somehow... Most of my dreams, especially the ones like this that wake me up, are in color & feel like movies, if that means anything... Over the years I've done my own "dream interpretations" and have also verified/learned elements of dreams... this one w/ has a central theme of anxiety & could have been triggered by my folks over here the other day & the fact I've got to go to work in a few hours & cindy will be there & probly my sprvsr... why do I let these ppl get under my skin so much?!  there's something here, just under the surface, that pops up in my dreams... it's like the answer is just out of my grasp, though... Just happened to remember I have this book called "The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide: Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World", the point being I'm pretty sure I'll find some answers in this book, since I began reading it quite a while back & recall that feeling of recognition when I read the first few pages... OK, so now it's 3:47 &I've been up since 3:28 so I should try to sleep right? But my body, though exhausted, is being overruled by my brain, which has been tickled by the idea that some real answers to some of my major questions/issues/whatever are in that book... Sigh... And I want icecream - not only b/c I love the taste, but it's comfort food - so that's another clue to solve this mystery...

WOW:  Listen well to your inner being.

Love & Light & Enlightenment,

Namaste', Enna

1--well I survived the week back fr vacation - always horrible on that Monday after vacation! but it was "sweet" (to use the kidz' vernacular) that Cindy was on vac this week so I did not have the office stress as usual, and my sprvsr did not come over @ all so that was wonderful! 

2-- sprvsr spent all day in my office Tues & Weds - AARGH!! - but I survived & acted cool w/ it all.... but she manages to make me feel insignificant w/ comments, etc - am I being hypersensitive? probably to some degree! but she does have the annoying habit of charging ahead & making decisions whether I'm there or not... & it seems that she consults way too much w/ cindy ("she has a 'wealth of knowledge'!")... so my  years of running the office on my own seems to count for a scrap or 2, and it stings - alright it hurts!- that the systems I established are being replaced so quickly, & most of the time w/o even asking my opinion...

3-- parents are in town: YUK!  this is always stressful, just a matter of degrees... unfortunately it began majorly stressful this year b/c I was blindsided by a vmail fr my sister 2 nights ago & when I called back it was "hey, let me put Mom on the phone" and there she was, all too-loud voice (b/c she has hearing aids she speaks louder than needed) & the too-familiar, insistent-to-do-it-right-now voice, so I back-pedalled as much as possible, and pulled in my years of knowledge on communication skills, and told her in a decisive calm voice that I'd call her back the next day as to when we (her, dad, me, kids if poss) could get together... then spent the evening w/ lots of self-talk, and talked some w/ RB about it, and cried later (but that was other stuff too)... and then the next day, @ work, before I had a chance to call them, my sister leaves an "urgent" vmail for me that I "HAVE" to call back ASAP!!!... so I call back wondering what the hell? did Mom or Dad have a heart attack? did they get called back to New Mexico for some emergency?... so I call back & Dad (my despised parent) came on the phone & I discovered that the "urgency" was that Ms. Social Director (Mom) was busily filling in her & Dad's "planner for the week" (I'm being facetious, OK?!) and they NEEDED to know when they could get together w/ me & mine... well, it's a good thing I had decided already that they may as well join the festivities Sunday (we're having my kidz, 1 of RB's kidz + fiancee' over, otherwise they won't see their grandkidz) so I told him date, time, etc... but in a way I wish I wouldn't have decided yet, cuz dammit! these ppl STILL, after all these years, do NOT know boundaries!!!... yes it pisses me off... and they wonder why I don't deal w/ them very much

So, "survival" is a way of life w/ me... more so I'd say than most ppl, b/c I've made it thru childhood sexual abuse, experimentation w/ drugs, many partners, two divorces, and that's just the bigger stuff.  And I've come out the other side (the "lake of fire"), cleansed, healed, changed forever, and a better person.

I'm way beyond surviving: I'm THRIVING.  And that feels GOOD! and it's somewhat of a "fuck you" to trauma & abuse b/c I've WON!

Geez, this post became way longer than I planned... but that's OK, b/c it was meant to be...

WOW:  You are the sum total of everything you've experienced, and every decision you make.

Love & Light throughout this day & always...

Namaste', Enna